Surgery While You Are Awake

I have always wondered if plants think of trimming as hurtful. Really, have you not once begged a tree pardon as you trim it up. So as I lay on the table with the skin doctor taking out a cyst, I decided that while it was curious, once the spot was deadened, it was a non-event. I am better off without the cyst and the tree needs to be trimmed on occasion.

The best news is that I spent all day outside in the cool weather before the surgery. Now that I must keep my "trim" clean it is too hot to work outside anyway. Some times the weather is good to me.

Beautiful Weather Loving Life

It is one of those North Virginia days that makes you feel healthier and happier than you know is rational. Somehow the messy basement that is not yet organized or cleaned will be done some day soon, you are sure of it. but not today.

Today is for outside weeding, planting, reading, eating anything that keeps you in the gentle sun and fragrant breeze. So that is just what I am going to do. Love it.

Sunday a Time to Think About What to Plant

I have just retired, in June. As I said before I thought a river of free time would sweep over me. Needless to say that has not happened. I thought all the things I found hard to manage in my personal life would be solvable. Big laugh on that.

So what exactly do I want? I never allowed my self to ask that question before without caveats. Like, "You can do anything you want as long as it does not cost much." because I was a single mother and I need to save, save in case I lose my job. Or, "You can do anything you want as long as you can control the time to something short and inconsequential."  because my job takes first place since I can not afford to loose it. Can you see the pattern here. Lots of rules all about what I can not do. No permission to do much for just me.

So now I need decide what I can do, what I really want to do in the time I have left. Before you think I am dieing I am not. Nor am I trying to be fatalistic here but rather optimistic. I am alive now and have no control of the future. I can only do what ever I want to now. I have more than earned that right so what is it?

I have never given my self this freedom to chose anything. When I ask "Why not, what has really changed?" the first thing I realize is that I had the right all along and was afraid of it. Afraid of me,  making a decision for me. I am stunned that I have been so dishonest with myself for such a long time. It is scary and a little sad. So I am going to let this reality sink in. I am going to go slow hoping I do not lose this hidden path of self truth telling.

I often think of my life as a garden to let me ponder big issues. I realize in the past I spent a lot of time and effort on plants that were not really ones I wanted or needed but I thought I should have. This is the part of my life where I decide which plants to keep only because I want them. I care for plants only because they give me joy. This is no ones garden but mine. I am surprised that I really have no idea what to plant first. I do know some plants I am removing at once. Perhaps that is a start.

Reading "Bird by Bird" and watching my new Roomba

When I retired I thought time, long stretches of it would flow like a river, un-dammed into my life. Instead I find all sorts of other things clog my days, my hours my minutes. Why does that happen?

I remember the time in my childhood, especially the summers. It was broad as the Mississippi flowing by calm and deep. It made me calm and clear headed. I want that back but I do not want to give up my clutter. So I sit reading a chapter of a book, watching my new Roomba torment my Corgi. I sit writing this blog listening to the TV tell my about germs in my kitchen. I listen to books while weeding my garden.

Can I go back to just one simple thing at a time? Am I better off now? Should I retire to a cabin in the woods Walden like? My dog says no, she would be lonely.