Sunday a Time to Think About What to Plant

I have just retired, in June. As I said before I thought a river of free time would sweep over me. Needless to say that has not happened. I thought all the things I found hard to manage in my personal life would be solvable. Big laugh on that.

So what exactly do I want? I never allowed my self to ask that question before without caveats. Like, "You can do anything you want as long as it does not cost much." because I was a single mother and I need to save, save in case I lose my job. Or, "You can do anything you want as long as you can control the time to something short and inconsequential."  because my job takes first place since I can not afford to loose it. Can you see the pattern here. Lots of rules all about what I can not do. No permission to do much for just me.

So now I need decide what I can do, what I really want to do in the time I have left. Before you think I am dieing I am not. Nor am I trying to be fatalistic here but rather optimistic. I am alive now and have no control of the future. I can only do what ever I want to now. I have more than earned that right so what is it?

I have never given my self this freedom to chose anything. When I ask "Why not, what has really changed?" the first thing I realize is that I had the right all along and was afraid of it. Afraid of me,  making a decision for me. I am stunned that I have been so dishonest with myself for such a long time. It is scary and a little sad. So I am going to let this reality sink in. I am going to go slow hoping I do not lose this hidden path of self truth telling.

I often think of my life as a garden to let me ponder big issues. I realize in the past I spent a lot of time and effort on plants that were not really ones I wanted or needed but I thought I should have. This is the part of my life where I decide which plants to keep only because I want them. I care for plants only because they give me joy. This is no ones garden but mine. I am surprised that I really have no idea what to plant first. I do know some plants I am removing at once. Perhaps that is a start.